There are two reasons why I am counting the seconds until one of my three-year-olds shouts out the word “F—K!” The first is that no matter how many times I look into their adorable, innocent faces and the reality and sanctity of motherhood blows my mind to pieces, I keep accidentally cursing in front of them. I wasn’t always a potty mouth. I think it really started in my first job after college, where I worked 80 hours a week at an investment bank surrounded by a bunch of potty mouthed men. I think if my office was censored and a beep went off every time someone cursed, it would have sounded more like an intensive care unit than a bank. In fact, at my going away dinner when I left that job to head to business school, my group printed me a T-shirt that said, simply, “FYYFF”. That stands for “F— you, you f—ing f—.” It was their way of saying we love you and good luck at school. I swear.
The second reason why I think I will hear a tiny-voiced f-bomb any minute is that my kids are obsessed with music. For better or for worse, they’re not obsessed with Raffi or Barney. They’re obsessed with Billboard’s Top 40. Normally, this wouldn’t be such a bad thing, but what makes it dangerous is they know how to operate Spotify on my iphone better than I do. Just the other day, I walked into the kitchen to find Addy and Zack having a dance party while Adam Levine and B.O.B. serenaded them with the explicit version of Payphone (one of their favorite songs in its clean form). They were jumping up and down and giggling and having a blast, seemingly oblivious to the monsoon of foul language streaming into their ears. If I were deaf, I would have sworn they were bouncing around to the theme song to Sesame Street. It was then that I realized that Spotify’s gotta go.
While my potty mouth has certainly toned down over the years and I’ve since deleted Spotify from my phone, eliminating my kids’ unfettered access to a wonderland of bad words, I know the day is coming. All I have to say is please don’t let the bomb drop at school or in front of other parents. If that happens, I will be so f—ing embarrassed.