One of the things I have had to get used to in my transition from peaceful, care-free adult to harried mom is the complete and utter loss of personal privacy. It started when I became pregnant and has steadily gone downhill from there. Once I started showing, both familiar and unfamiliar hands constantly fondled my stomach. Taxi drivers regularly guessed that I was having a dinosaur based on the unsettling ratio of belly : rest of body (5:1 in my case). When the babies arrived, random people approached me on the street, stuck their faces in my stroller and asked totally reasonable questions like “Did you have sex with your husband to conceive these twins or did you have to do IVF?”
But these jarring invasions of my privacy were nothing compared to what is going on currently, and the perpetrators are not strangers, they are my kids. Ever since they figured out how to turn a door handle, I have not been able to go to the bathroom in peace. While the initial interruptions were not terribly annoying, their more recent shenanigans have been increasingly disturbing, in more than one sense of the word.
Zack takes an in-your-face approach where he slams open the door with no warning and starts interrogating me. “Hi Mommy, what are you doing? Are you making a pee pee? Are you making a poopy? Can I see? Is your pee pee yellow? Why is pee pee yellow? Can you buy me a phone like yours? Can I see your phone? What are you doing with your phone? Are you calling Daddy? Why does it smell like poopy in here?” He doesn’t ask all of these questions from the doorway, he asks them while hanging on me with his elbows digging like spikes into my knees. He leaves me so little personal space, it would be hard for an outsider to tell which one of us was actually the one taking the…well you know.
Addy has a completely different strategy. Over the past week, she has been quietly slipping into the bathroom and setting up a panel of judges on the tub ledge. The first few days brought this:
These prissy little b-tches have surely never peed or pooped in their entire lives and from the look on their faces, they did not approve of what they witnessed. I think that after a few days they outright refused to be subjected to such unladylike behavior because Addy stopped bringing them into the bathroom and instead brought these things:
These freakish, fat-headed Squinkies have been staring at me while I do my business since last weekend. Their presence shortens my bathroom stay substantially because I’m afraid if I sit too long, they will start marching, single-file, into my nostrils to eat my brain. I’m pretty sure that next week, Addy’s going to bring in a hologram of Dora singing “You did it! You did it! You did it! Hiciste una caca!”
I don’t totally know what to make of all of this. What I do know is that my bathroom will no longer be a sacred refuge where I can steal a few minutes of tranquility, at least not for another ten years. So if you see me with a box of Depends in the dark alley down the street, leave me alone, I just may have found the answer to my problem.